Thank you, REM.
I feel fine now.
Anyhoo. The Editor is currently considering the great and pressing problem of the modern zombie film. Now, no one is more surprised than I that Hollywood would at one point have gotten something right - however, the fact remains that George Romero did have it pretty much spot-on, originally. Zombies are slow. They moan, and stumble, and hold their limbs at always hilarious angles. I mean, it's so funny to watch them, I just never get tired of it. They're so cute. It brings a tender smile to the face of even the hard-bitten and jaded Editor . . . but that's another matter. Like I said, I'm shocked that the directors of zombie movies would manage to have it right.
Which brings me back to NEW zombie movies. Okay, so, what the fuck? Viruses? Running around all fast? I object to this. I happen to know, without any doubt, that zombies act just like they did in the original Night of the Living Dead. I mean, this is my life, for fuck's sake. Who would know better than the Editor? My zombie lab is thriving, since my research staff get bitten one after another, and I really can't keep any of them alive for more than a week or two . . . and they all end up slouching around their cages, making gurgling sounds, and bumping into one another. They do not scream with rage and then figure out how to climb out, and then run like Olympic 500 meter champions after hapless victims who still think that holing up in a shopping mall is a pretty good idea.
See, those old zombie movies were pretty much like documentaries. They showed what really happens when the living dead run wild. These new films, they're just mindless entertainment. So join with me in calling for a return to the classics. No more 28 Days Later, Dawn of the Dead remake bullshit. I want aimless gnawing! SLOW, aimless gnawing, to be more precise, and lots of it.
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2 comments:
No, you're just not feeding them right or something. Over the years, I've worked with a number of fast moving zombies that were basically indistinguishable from regular humans until any attempt was made to engage them in conversation. And it can be quite difficult to keep your brain intact when they are nearby, too. Just ask Romero. Not only was he involved in the Dawn of the Dead remake, but he is making an entirely new '...of the Dead' movie to further document this recent occurence. I suspect your lab just needs to be updated with some new blood. I think I can point you at a couple that hang out just down the hall from me at work.
Please give me their home addresses. The zombies are living on each other right now, and it breaks my heart to see them so unhappy.
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