So here's the question: what do sporks really mean? Are they an existential expression of modern humanity's need for utensils which do . . . gasp . . . MORE THAN ONE THING? Or are they just kind of pointless and plastic? An associate of mine found this site, which he sent to me, and it is possibly the most revolting spork ever made. My zombies won't even eat off of this thing, that is, assuming that they would ever consider using utensils at all, instead of simply ripping the rotting flesh from one another's bones with sharpened, filthy incisors, while moaning and flailing wildly.
Anyway. The point which the Editor was, admittedly incoherently and with the utilization of multiple unnecessary clauses, attempting to make, was: even ravening, slimy, hairless, mindlessly gnawing dead things which kill you and turn you into a living corpse wouldn't use this stupid spork. C'mon, guys, this is not Sporkcalibur. (I know, Mike, I know, I haven't sent it to you yet. Just wait, it'll be worth it, and covered with zombie saliva.) It's FLESH COLORED, for Christ's sake. It looks like a flea comb gone horribly, horribly wrong. For a person who cares deeply about the potential of the fork/spoon hybrid, this is a loathsome and vile excursion into the land of the great travesty of human existence.
Seriously, folks. The Editor may be blind drunk, but some things are just not okay.
Friday, July 29, 2005
Friday, July 22, 2005
It's the end of the world as we know it
Thank you, REM.
I feel fine now.
Anyhoo. The Editor is currently considering the great and pressing problem of the modern zombie film. Now, no one is more surprised than I that Hollywood would at one point have gotten something right - however, the fact remains that George Romero did have it pretty much spot-on, originally. Zombies are slow. They moan, and stumble, and hold their limbs at always hilarious angles. I mean, it's so funny to watch them, I just never get tired of it. They're so cute. It brings a tender smile to the face of even the hard-bitten and jaded Editor . . . but that's another matter. Like I said, I'm shocked that the directors of zombie movies would manage to have it right.
Which brings me back to NEW zombie movies. Okay, so, what the fuck? Viruses? Running around all fast? I object to this. I happen to know, without any doubt, that zombies act just like they did in the original Night of the Living Dead. I mean, this is my life, for fuck's sake. Who would know better than the Editor? My zombie lab is thriving, since my research staff get bitten one after another, and I really can't keep any of them alive for more than a week or two . . . and they all end up slouching around their cages, making gurgling sounds, and bumping into one another. They do not scream with rage and then figure out how to climb out, and then run like Olympic 500 meter champions after hapless victims who still think that holing up in a shopping mall is a pretty good idea.
See, those old zombie movies were pretty much like documentaries. They showed what really happens when the living dead run wild. These new films, they're just mindless entertainment. So join with me in calling for a return to the classics. No more 28 Days Later, Dawn of the Dead remake bullshit. I want aimless gnawing! SLOW, aimless gnawing, to be more precise, and lots of it.
I feel fine now.
Anyhoo. The Editor is currently considering the great and pressing problem of the modern zombie film. Now, no one is more surprised than I that Hollywood would at one point have gotten something right - however, the fact remains that George Romero did have it pretty much spot-on, originally. Zombies are slow. They moan, and stumble, and hold their limbs at always hilarious angles. I mean, it's so funny to watch them, I just never get tired of it. They're so cute. It brings a tender smile to the face of even the hard-bitten and jaded Editor . . . but that's another matter. Like I said, I'm shocked that the directors of zombie movies would manage to have it right.
Which brings me back to NEW zombie movies. Okay, so, what the fuck? Viruses? Running around all fast? I object to this. I happen to know, without any doubt, that zombies act just like they did in the original Night of the Living Dead. I mean, this is my life, for fuck's sake. Who would know better than the Editor? My zombie lab is thriving, since my research staff get bitten one after another, and I really can't keep any of them alive for more than a week or two . . . and they all end up slouching around their cages, making gurgling sounds, and bumping into one another. They do not scream with rage and then figure out how to climb out, and then run like Olympic 500 meter champions after hapless victims who still think that holing up in a shopping mall is a pretty good idea.
See, those old zombie movies were pretty much like documentaries. They showed what really happens when the living dead run wild. These new films, they're just mindless entertainment. So join with me in calling for a return to the classics. No more 28 Days Later, Dawn of the Dead remake bullshit. I want aimless gnawing! SLOW, aimless gnawing, to be more precise, and lots of it.
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