Zombies: Back By Popular Demand!!!

So, some of my (few and mainly imaginary) adoring public have expressed a violent desire . . . perhaps, a strong wish . . . no, all right, fine, a faint inclination, to receive more information on zombie defense strategies.

Well, say no more! The Editor has so painfully few truly useful occupations, that it is a true pleasure to do something altruistic, particularly when none of my readers would honestly have to be too concerned about imminent zombie attack, were it not for the somewhat shoddy security measures currently in force in my lab. Look, I didn't expect them to chew through concrete. It was an honest mistake, it has been rectified, and really, I live next door to an Alzheimer's home - no one can tell the difference anyway.

Back to the matter at hand. As you all recall, I posted a basic primer on anti-zombie tactics, some of which were I admit difficult for the average person to carry out. We are not all professionally paranoid. So, for the layman zombie survivor, I have made up a list of the most bare-bones (pun not intended - besides, if you follow my advice, you may still have flesh on your bones after the holocaust of living dead has destroyed civilization as we know it) essentials to have on hand, in case of sudden attack. There are many lists of this kind available, some of which can be found on our own Homeland Security Website (refer to previous post), but I assure you mine is better, although featuring fewer graphic representations of yuppies being sprayed in the face with biological contaminants.

Zombie Survival Kit, basic version

1 sawed-off shotgun (good for brain disintegration; also doubles as brain-smashing blunt object at close quarters, or when the idiot you foolishly allowed to accompany you, rather than throwing him/her behind you as a distraction, loses all your shotgun shells)

10 boxes shotgun shells (so that you may inevitably end up with one shell and a hundred pursuing zombies anyway)

1 bunch bananas (zombies don't like the taste of potassium; I have verified this through extensive research)

2 coils heavy nylon rope (so that it may inconveniently catch on objects while you are carrying it wrapped around your body, thus delaying you and ensuring your doom)

1 bottle vodka or Scotch (according to preference; actually, this is part of the "General Daily Survival Kit", also available for purchase, but why not include it here)

1 pair high-quality running shoes (cowardice is the better part of valour)

1 spray bottle zombie repellent (may I recommend Super Lerx-Off Brand Liaox Entity Repellent, also good against limp, failed ex-theatre executives)

1 carton cigarettes (obviously)

2 cigarette lighters (to light cigarettes with; also good for cooking food, purifying water, and many other secondary uses)

1 shovel (for some reason, this is always the most-used implement in any zombie attack situation; don't ask me why just get one and hit things with it)

1 attractive female companion (for sex)

1 bumbling male companion (for comic relief, since laughter defuses even the most terrifying and deadly situation, and to be sacrificed later; also provides contrast in eyes of attractive female, making you look almost human)

1 box condoms (ribbed for her pleasure isn't really, so I've been told, just a word to the wise)

2 rolls toilet paper (two-ply)

If space allows, bottled water, non-perishable foods, a radio, emergency flares, and such can be added; but if space allows, you're carrying too much and will fall down, thus being buried beneath an avalanche of ravenous corpses.

With these items at hand, and having followed some of the Zombie Fortification tips previously posted, you can be fairly sure of surviving long enough to come to an even more miserable and demoralizing end than you would have had you simply succumbed to begin with.

New Post Coming Soon

We apologize for the inconvenience. The Editor's brain is currently under construction. However, in the mean time please note that zombie attacks have decreased 12.7% since 1994, and we are currently occupied with trying to reverse that trend. Thank you for your attention.