A Redefinition of Fantasy

There are all kinds of people in this world who fantasize. And then there are just as many who enjoy what has come to be known as "fantasy", i.e., sword-and-sorcery type books and video games and movies. The time has come to blend the two.

So, weekly staff meetings. A great idea, which helps the office swap ideas and basically spend a little more face time with one another, and keeps us all in sync. That's good. But still, when I'm sitting there of a morning, I imagine what it would be like to excuse myself for a moment and step out of the conference room. Walk to my desk, discreetly pick up a large backpack, and take it out to change. Then, I would reappear, in the midst of a long dissertation about how the children's theatre program doesn't seem to have much direction anymore, wearing ebony armor from head to toe, and waving around a large, glowing longsword, enchanted with all kinds of nasty things, and bring it down on the conference table, splitting production calendars and brochures neatly in two, with forks of lightning and huge gouts of flame, and announce, loudly, that I Am Lord Nerevar Reborn! This would surely energize the staff to previously unknown heights of productivity. Or at least, would make it a more exciting event than we had ever thought it could be.

And the smiting! The smiting that could be mine! Really, theatre administration has nothing on adventuring, monster-slaying, and other types of heroic pageantry. The zombies are cool, but sometimes, it's just not enough. And isn't that just the story of everyone's life?

In short, sometimes pure escapist fantasy is just not quite sufficient. I need fantastic realism! More actual swords! General availability of magical alchemy ingredients, spells that allow you to walk on water and smite not only up close, but also from a distance; these are the elements of a happy life. Screw Eudaimonia, the Form of Good, and all that other high-thinking nonsense which is supposed to uplift me from the dross of my corporeal existence. And screw religion, too, just for kicks. Give me paralyzing crossbows and ancient ruins filled with brigands and legendary helmets! Give me the capacity to levitate into towers carved from enormous tree-boles, which are populated with taciturn wizards wearing gently luminescing robes! And swords! Did I mention those?

The real problem with fantasy is that by definition, it requires reentry into the actual universe to make it what it is. And that is why it requires redefinition. Find me a fantasy world that I don't have to come back from (that does not involve perpetual hallucinogen use) and I will be a happy Editor. I could post blogs from the top of my sorcerous roost, perched high in the mountains above a slowly meandering river.

There is probably some deep philosophical point which could be derived from this, or possibly just a general Freudian commentary on my childhood. But really, I just want to go to Monster.com and find a job ad which reads:

Wanted: a general adventurer, with some limited scruples and a high endurance score. Experience in pillaging/theft preferred, but will train. Capability to wield enchanted weaponry desired, but some skill with a two-handed battle-axe sufficient. Potential for becoming legendary hero with strange glowing eyes recommended. No Bachelor's degree necessary. Needed immediately. Please apply in person at the sign of the Voluminous Elf-Maiden, and give one copper crown to Mangy Bess, the innkeeper, in lieu of resume. Be smiting-oriented, with quest-pursuing ambitions. No phone calls please.