Chewing, Gnawing, Slavering Undead Beasts - It's a Party, and You're All Invited

So, our friend Mary of Maron Studio (check out their new website, FYI, if you haven't already), has brought me on board as a general zombie consultant on a project they're working on. Now, they've asked me to provide a general overview of the different sorts of biting, gnawing, chewing, and other forms of mastication indulged in by the recently living, currently undead dead in a variety of film (and real!) settings. Feeling that this is a topic of general utility, I have decided to communicate this information through the blog, rather than in a private email to Mary.

Also, that gives me something to post, and I know they've been rather thin of late.

So, zombies eating flesh. Typically, there are two types of zombies represented in film (a subject which Mary and I have already covered in general outline): those that are infected with some sort of super-aggression virus (a la 28 Days Later) and those that are spawned by some process outside of the realm of normal science (most of the rest of the canon, for example Night of the Living Dead, the original Dawn of the Dead, etc). Now, as I know I've said before, these latter type are the real, actual zombies which inhabit my lab (and numerous unfortunate jungle villages, usually near the Equator), whereas the former are a recent invention of Hollywood. As one might expect, in the new, fast zombie representations, the chewing and biting is likewise done quickly, and with dispatch. The zombies run up and begin immediately pulling parts off, fighting one another over severed limbs and bits of tendon, and generally behaving like ill-mannered children with a plate of cookies.

In the original (and accurate) zombie films, the zombies move more slowly. They are clumsy; their flesh is slowly rotting, and their muscles are losing their tone and are under less precise control. The biting and gnawing, although motivated by a very definite and pressing need for fresh human blood, is hampered by an inability to move as gracefully as a living human might be capable of doing.

To recap, even the slowest and most decomposed of undead shambling horror will be hungry at the beginning of the feast, even if clumsy and unable to eat as quickly as it might like. However, just like with any meal, at the end one is less hungry, more sated, and will savor a few more bites in an almost offhand and lackadaisical fashion. In short, after a zombie has had its fill, it will still sit with what is left of its supper, perhaps picking the meat off a hand or foot, or thoughtfully chewing a bone as a digestif. The type of biting, to summarize, is determined by how much the zombie has had to eat.

It is also hypothesized (and this is, of course, one of my current research topics) that the desire to create more zombies causes the eagerness to eat found in a zombie when it takes a new victim. However, this makes far more sense in the context of some sort of pathogen, which would bring on symptoms that could further the spread of the disease. Given that it is still unknown what causes the dead to rise from their graves, spreading terror wherever they go, this hypothesis is at best worthy of further consideration in an off hour. Basically, for the purpose of a good and accurate film, zombies eat quickly when they haven't fed for a while, and slowly when they've had their equivalent of Thanksgiving dinner. Zombies also seem to be more ravenous when they are newly created/newly undead.

Anyone interested in helping to find scientific answers to any of these questions, you are more than welcome to swing by the lab. I suggest that you finish any paperwork relating to the distribution of your personal effects, and bring a can of cranberry sauce and some pearl onions.